The PACE Model was developed by psychologist Dan Hughes as a way of helping children feel emotionally safe in their relationships with the adults who care for them. It was originally designed to support children who had experienced trauma, but the truth is every child needs an adult in their life who shows up this way. PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy. And while those four words might sound simple, what they actually ask of us as parents and caregivers goes much deeper than most people realize.
Playfulness
Playfulness is not about being funny or keeping things light all the time. It is about the energy you bring when you are with your child. Dan Hughes describes it as hopeful, open, spontaneous, and warm. A playful parent is someone whose presence feels safe and easy to be around, even during ordinary moments.
This matters more than we think. When a child senses warmth and ease in a parent, they relax. And a relaxed child is far more open to connection, to honest conversation, and to being guided. Playfulness also does something important during difficult moments. When a parent stays warm and calm even when things get tense, it keeps the relationship feeling safe instead of threatening. It keeps the door open between parent and child.
Acceptance
This is the element people misunderstand the most. Acceptance does not mean approving of every behavior. It means holding onto unconditional positive regard for the child as a person, no matter what they are doing.
Dan Hughes puts it this way: behavior is communication. When a child acts out, shuts down, lies, or withdraws, they are expressing something they cannot find the words for. A parent who practices acceptance looks at that behavior with openness rather than judgment and asks: what is my child trying to tell me right now?
Separating who the child is from what they are doing is not always easy. But it is the only kind of correction that works long term. When a child knows they are fully accepted even in their hardest moments, they do not need to be defensive or dishonest. They can be real. And that is where real growth happens.
Curiosity
Curiosity in the PACE Model means choosing to understand before you judge. Dan Hughes describes it as non-judgmental. The adult genuinely wants to know. The adult has an active interest in the child's actual experience, not the experience they assume the child is having, but what is really going on inside them.
So many conflicts between parents and children happen because an adult has already decided what is going on before the child has had a chance to explain. Curiosity slows that down. Instead of "why did you do that," it becomes "I wonder what was happening for you." Instead of reacting based on assumption, you pause and ask. That shift alone changes the entire dynamic of a conversation.
A curious parent tells their child something powerful without ever saying it out loud: I am interested in what is actually going on inside you. And that is one of the most connecting things a child can feel.
Empathy
Dan Hughes describes empathy as a felt sense of the other's actual experience. Not what seems reasonable to feel. Not what you would feel in the same situation. The child's actual experience, as it is for them right now.
He also makes clear that empathy is not enough if it only stays inside you. It has to be communicated. The child has to feel that you understand them, not just that you do. That means slowing down enough to sit with what your child is going through before you try to fix it. Saying "that sounds really hard" before jumping to solutions. Letting them feel less alone before you try to move them forward.
When a child truly feels understood, something shifts. They settle. The wall comes down. And suddenly they are reachable in a way they were not a moment before.
What PACE Really Asks of Us
PACE is not a technique you pull out in difficult moments. It is a way of being in relationship with your child, consistently, over time, in the big moments and the everyday ones.
There will be days when it feels hard. When playfulness is the last thing on your mind, when acceptance takes everything you have, when curiosity and empathy feel completely out of reach. That is normal. That is parenting.
But the more you return to these four things, the more natural they become. And the more your child experiences you showing up this way, the safer they feel. The safer they feel, the more open they become. And that openness is where real connection grows.